who are you when no one is looking?

I was always uncomfortable in my own skin until I got sober. I think I was always trying to fill this void or this emptiness that I never could understand.

I never wanted to be alone stuck with my thoughts that never seemed to stop riding what I call the hamster wheel.

Luckily, today things look A LOT different. I’ve learned many many lessons over the past 2 years. Lessons I probably should’ve learned a long time ago. Lessons that I still have to remind myself because I am still learning. (If I am ever at a point where I say I have nothing else to learn, slap me.)

I used to live in constant fear of basically everything. Now that was not fun and was not a way to live. But I know now that I was doing the best I could with what I had. That very important lesson helps me have compassion for others today.

As more time passes, the more I come to understand myself and who I am. What brings me joy? What makes me laugh so hard I cry?Why do I get frustrated or defensive over certain topics? What makes me boil with rage? Or what can I instantly cry over? What makes me, me?

I gain insight into myself everyday when I decide to look. These past couple of months I have slacked on my usual routine of keeping up with my recovery meetings and it shows.

As some people will tell you in the recovery rooms, life gets bigger and bigger when you get sober and sobriety has to be your number one priority because without it you wouldn’t have this “big” life. I can definitely attest to that. I once went to meetings every single day for my first year of sobriety. In that first year I got a job and still managed to make it every night after work. Then as I entered school again and got busier and busier I tried to make as many as I could a week, still averaging around 2-5 per week. Once corona hit, meetings went virtual (just like everything else these days) and I would say I’ve been to about 10 or so meetings in the past couple of months after I picked up my two year chip in March. An all time record low for myself and throughout it I’ve been the most overwhelmed, stressed, frustrated, and tired it feels like in my entire life. Coincidence?

I tend to have a very headstrong attitude of wanting to do everything on my own and not wanting any help because “I can do it myself”. The last couple of days I’ve logged onto my meetings and have seen some familiar faces I have learned to know and love and I’m immediately humbled and grounded every single time. It’s important for me to remember I don’t have to do things by myself.

Recovery has taught me to be vulnerable. It has taught me to show up for myself and for others. It has taught me to lead with love. It has taught me to accept the things I cannot change and has given me the courage to change the things I can.

So who am I when no one’s looking?

I’m who I’ve been all along. I’m who I was when I wasn’t looking. I’m who I’m destined to be and I’m who I’m becoming. I’m me.

I’m happy to be sober & happy to be alive 🙂

xoxo spg

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